the staircase of glow he doesn't really hear me i respond with love he responds with question, the debate he's not hearing what i am, who i am in total i tell him i love him despite the changes he tells me it wasn't a change but a shift so why are you looking at the change and not the fact i just told you i loved you you shut me off what is flowing and reaching out to you but you say you understand everything already that you can't repeat what you already know that it's boring, boring to your all knowing self but where is the knowing to acknowledge to fall in to stop and realize what someone is trying to give to feel it all which is probably a lot its like 2 magnets attracting of when the same sign, but when they are opposites they mesh i am trying to be myself, the opposite i don't really know what i'm trying but i feel you taking the love away from me the love of myself and this is what i need to find with space will it return?
stepping into stillness that only ends can bring tricking their end to reveal space in all moments still in my observation of the dance around and inside the white abyss of crystalizing waters whispers above leaves become fire as water leaves their veins fire flows from the base of me drop my drop offering compulsory transition into mysteries red is the color of change
munich, germany // october 2020
retreat: into your cells they chose you. choose them. hold them in a vision of love, so that they expand and you with them to the back of a white winged bird where you can rest and discover who you are. a child of the brightest light drifting in a warm sea of love.
your body is her she holds you as hands meet, as bodies melt floating through the woodlands centuries ago the space is her the rhythm that your hand falls to touch the other the home is her on the back of a white winged bird we float timelessly in love
black forest // august 2020
a snowflake fell then. a rain drop falls now. how many moments passed? from when i made the decision with the falling of the snowflakes in the corner of the tea house, to when i lay on the bed next to her and the falling rain. how many moments passed? from when i peed my pants (for real) on the cement sidewalk, to when i pee on the leads and grass covering the mountains. how many moments passed? from when i fell asleep in the foggy cafe window, to when i forget to sleep because of bliss given by the touch of a brother. decisions connecting, decisions guiding. and who i am to know where they lead, who am i to know how the web is woven. who am i. to know. who i am. i am who, and i am how. i am how the currents flow, i am how the stories are told, i am how the cells remember. simply, i am. in me, the moments passed are comprised. i hold memories of replicated scenarios, on different lands. of replicated learning, in different bodies. for this, i live. for this, i am.
munich, germany // july 2020
a project for university, worthy of sharing to the world.
dissonance is information stillness creates relationship simplicity is clarity space creates vibrancy releasing is flying light creates reality shame is no home
munich, germany // may 2020
different fish share the same water each sharp flip pulling water back to push water forward 2 same fish chase one leads, the other leads who starts (not clear) distracted by the rock again who starts (not clear) chasing seeking their twin in their chase missing colorful fish horned fish gently floating seaweed in their chase 2 same fish don't see me in my chair seeing the glass box holding a universe seeing the game from outside i know how to play always seeking the identity always chasing the reflection recognize reflection as illusion a game with no winner
munich, germany // april 2020
Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.Willem Dafoe
The more simple we are, the more complete we become.Auguste Rodin
sitting alone in our homes, isolating, distancing, and fearing the other, we connect. we fall down deep enough to realize that we are standing on the same ground.
i live in a town with a culture of social distancing even when there is no pandemic. in my seven or eight trips outside within the past 32 days of complete isolation, i have seen companions in the eyes of strangers more times than i have in my past year of living here.
why do we need forced separation to feel together?
why do we need a crisis of losing lives to realize the value of each moment?
why do we need a perceived enemy to realize we are all on the same team?
four days ago, i make my trip to the grocery store. after being forced to play a stressful game of bumper/shopping carts for safety reasons my last trip, i decide to exchange more money for a higher chance of peace at the small organic shop. i’m rewarded.
a man stands at the door with a mask and gloves. he greets the customers who enter the war zone. in our greeting, we both realize what it means to greet someone. he welcomes me in to to one of the hotspots of today’s crisis. humans navigate the small aisles authentically, empathy and fear both doing their role in guiding each action.
i race to bag my items as the next customer’s items fall down the belt. the pace of the grocery bagging in germany hasn’t followed suit in adopting slowness. i’m unable to give my usual extra energy to meet the unrealistic speed the items are being slid at me. i’m able to not care. a gloved hand places the wooden divider down sympathetically, granting me space to breathe. i look behind to the newly formed lines, meeting the eyes of several onlookers. my physicality probably portrayed more drama than i intended. used to the german glare, self-trained to look away instead of offering my smile, i habitually flick my eyes away. i hate myself for this, always, but it feels better than the coldness of heart an unmet exchange offers. but in the second i did look, i sense something different than the usual. daringly flicking my eyes back, i see a smile forming on the face of an older man. i take pleasure in letting my smile fully bloom, encouraging his to do the same. together we receive each other, together we wade into this new territory.
outside, a biking couple takes up the entire sidewalk with their blasting boombox and two dogs, one loose and one sitting on the handle bars. a different set of rules is emerging. i mount my grocery-ordained bike and meet the four eyes of the man and the pup riding with him. within our minuscule community we are consumed by simple joy, just for a moment.
beautiful purple flowers shoot up from the path of grass between the bicycle lane and the sidewalk. i stare at them with the amazement they deserve, my eyes extra sensitive to the different forms life takes. a woman passing by on the sidewalk reaches out with her gaze to affirm my amazement. life is blooming from dark soil of the earth after months of cold hibernation. a model for us.
this is the most pleasant trip i have had outside in a city, perhaps ever. the bliss, the easy camaraderie that i have only felt at festivals bubbles and fizzes all over the relatively deserted and anxious streets. basking in the surreal atmosphere, one last passerby sees the peace in my eyes. i feel his eyes, his being, reach out and drink in the essence i have become over the past hour, thirsty for the same bliss, safety, and community. we say simple hellos, flavored in tones of urgency and acknowledgment. we are here together.
When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.Paulo Coelho
a tiny golden egg lays inside this incredibly painful, challenging, depressing, uncertain, lonely time. through opposition, through reflection, through duality, we are being shown community in isolation. we are being shown life in death. we are being shown creativity in stillness.
i wish that we fully realize what is being shown, allowing ourselves to learn and receive the entire message, the full spectrum, of this time. ultimately we don’t need isolation to feel community, and we don’t need a higher awareness of death to appreciate life if we make conscious choices of where to place our attention.
it’s all happening, it’s all existing, all the time.
why do we act like each other don’t exist? why is it more comfortable to look at an advertisement? everyone looking into space like we don’t exist.
together, ignoring reality. hiding in their own.
what if we all stopped walking at once, in silence, and then went into dance. everyone dancing together. on the sidewalks, in the parks, in the train, on bikes, on stairs. creating a force that would allow us all to stop. and come together as one.
fall into reality.
and why do kids only have playtime? does it make sense that at a certain age, deemed by the calendar and by time, we lose our sense of play. only work. why can’t we play?
a man plays the violin.
everyone ignores him. i don’t give money. i give a smile. he plays and walks on.